I don’t know if it is alright to post this message and I am thinking to hide it just inside me.. But, I came to this thought that I need somehow to voice out what I feel and also to learn from it or even makes someone feel that they were not alone ‘cause I am feeling the same way too.
I am the eldest daughter and I have this two little brothers. They are not that little any longer since they are eighteen and sixteen. It’s true.. I don’t have that enough money to support them financially or get them into a high rated University like other “ate” can do. Though I love to, I don’t have that enough money to let them be. But God knows how much I am working hard to earn and I thought that it is just like that. I am expecting that they appreciate what I am doing. I thought that they will lift me up and boast me to other people. But then, I am a failure because I can’t feel that they do appreciate what I am working for and what I am trying to do. Though I am not giving them the money they want, the amount they need, still I want them to know that money is not a basis of love at all. I do love them and I hope they feel the same way too.. I hope that they also love me, hope I can feel it.
Just like the other night, they broke my heart.. True, maybe I am just that sensitive and got the words down straight through my heart that had caused to break a part. They just keep on comparing me to other “ate” out there. Though they don’t open the words directly, I know what they are trying to point to.. “buti pa si ganto kasi may ganyan.. buti pa ate ni ganto kasi binibigyan siya ng ganyan..” I cried alone at my bed and just wrote this message to ease the pain that is with me. I felt like I am empty and nobody. You know the feeling getting rejected or even more than that? Seems like I am just sitting there all this time and doing nothing. I felt that I am no use and just waiting for something or anything. I am doing my best and working hard too, so please try to appreciate what I am doing.
Though they broke my heart, still, I just want to extend my apology to my brothers and let people know how much I love them. I am sorry for not giving you the things you need, the money you want.. It is just me. If ever you will read this message one of these days, I hope you feel how much happy I am to have you as my younger brothers and hope that you makes me feel that you deserve me as your “ATE”. I am not perfect and I am not that like other ate are.. Ako lang si Ate Kathy nyo.. I am not a rich one, but mayaman ako sa pagmamahal sa inyo. Though I can’t show it even we are always together and seeing each other at home, hope you both appreciate and love who I am and what I can give. By this message maybe di nyo na ako pansinin, and I understand. I just want you to learn something important that you can also share to your sons and daughters in the future. I can’t say this to you personally but hope on this way I can touch your heart..
“It is wrong to compare someone to anybody because people are not alike. We all have our differences and we all have our own life. Try to appreciate all the hard work and unconditional love that I and our parents are offering you both because that is how valuable you are.”
Even both of you sometimes making me cry (and of course, you don’t know it right?), still, you cannot gain hatred in my heart. I am still your “ate”. Hope one of these days, I can hear you calling me “ATE”.. That is an overwhelming word that I am waiting to hear from you..